It is I, O Water Pik of the Divine Dental Gods of Theta! We remain upon minion duty with the Large-Jawed Woman, although Glen/Glenda grows increasingly restive with the responsibility. However, he/she has made enormous progress with the native language, and is now able to fluently demand that we "blow this popsicle stand". This is not a phrase I understand completely, O Grand Shovel, but I think it may be a reference to the relative squalor of our surroundings. Glen/Glenda was somewhat less than impressed with the Oscar Party the Large-Jawed Woman threw, and indeed became quite ill after ingesting something called Spam covered with a cheese-like spread that emerged from a spray-can. Meanwhile, the Large-Jawed Woman is deep in some sort of literary enterprise. This consists of hours spent hunched over her computing device. While she types, she frequently sings a song to herself about what a friend she has in someone called Jebus. Periodically she stands, and according my own computations of the irgluk, the Large-Jawed Woman bows in the direction of the capital of the Terran European nation known as Russia and chants thanks to people she refers to as the Oldest of Her Belief System. The Large-Jawed Woman also seems convinced that someone named Vlad has abandoned his position as Fearless Leader of this state, and is on his way to be by her side with enough money to actually finance a flatscreen tale concerning one of his predecessors. The Main Squeeze is getting a little miffed with the Large-Jawed Woman, I must say, and constantly tells her to try and get her oars deeper into the water, whatever that may mean.

Minion Bruce is constantly out trying to recruit new minions, O Turkish Delight, and gives a different candidate what he calls his "deluxe fitness examination" almost every night. None have passed that Glen/Glenda and I can tell, as we can hear their screams and moans of frustration piercing the still desert air. At least we think it's frustration, although Minion Bruce seems happy enough in the morning.

Your faithful Minion, Illuminati