Greetings, O Mighty Shovel, from your exhausted but faithful Minion, Illuminati. It's not from the roller skating, although I did get pretty good at it. No, it is from the incessant shrieking of the Large-Jawed Woman. Allow me to explain. For weeks, no months as the Terr--- uh, Californians mark time's passage, the Large-Jawed Woman has been deluging the offices of a magazine called Playboy with scantily clad pictures of herself. I regret to say that a few of them were taken recently by her elderly friend with his cellphone, and since I have been beaming you pictures of her myself, well, you see the problem. At first the responses were cordial: "This is not suitable for our magazine, have you considered sending them to Fun With Rocks, which may be suitable for the kind of fetish you display in the picture" or "This is not suitable for our magazine, as we have pretty much exhausted the 'lay on a pier with an arched back and photoshopped bazongas, but you may want to consider Fisherman's Monthly or Field and Stream. Also, we are not sure that 'hating people in Texas' constitutes a 'pet peeve' that will speak to many of our readers. Thank you for the submission, though." Unfortunately, as I said, the Large-Jawed Woman persisted in her efforts to get in the 'centerfold', as the magazine calls it, and sent along a number of recent pictures of herself. Without clothing. And what happened? Last week Playboy announced it was ceasing the use of unclad female photos. Which seems a bit extreme, but I suppose they were desperate, because no matter what they said, the Large-Jawed Woman kept sending pictures!!! Despite emails with references to her "sag factor", "lack of cougar appeal", "lack of appeal, period" and "please stop or Hugh swears to God he will get a warrant", the Large-Jawed Woman would not cease and desist. I guess they felt they had no other choice over at the magazine.