O Mighty Flip-Phone of the Gods of Verizon III,

She's at it again, and I don't have Minion Wannabe Bruce to help me!

This time she sealed up all the windows in a house she broke into knocked on the door to, and when it accidentally opened and no one was home, the Large-Jawed Woman disabled the alarm system really quickly, like she'd done it before, and then she sealed up all the windows and ran the garden hose into the room.

Meanwhile, Bruce and Esteban the Pool Boy:

That's Bruce in the middle, anyway, they've left for Puerto Vallarta. I found this on the floor of Minion Wannabe Bruce's 18-wheeler cab:

And then they sent me this in human text form:

And I don't think it's really fair, O Mighty Shovel, that he gets to have all of the fun and I am stuck draining the room or the pool so the Large-Jawed Woman doesn't drown! And then when I get her out (I came up with a clever idea, O Miniature Pony of the Divine Lippinzanners of Equus II, I just bait a hook with cheesecake and throw it into the water. It works every time!), the Large-Jawed Woman just sits and I can tell she is thinking of doing it again!

There goes the cell phone again!

This is so unfair!

Your Faithful Minion,

Illuminati

Greetings, O Rump of Donald Trump!

So this keeps happening! The Large-Jawed Woman keeps finding random pools with the gates left open, grabs a violin and jumps in, screaming something about how "if a Terran named fucking Esther Williams could have a damn career in movie musicals so can she!!" and then she starts to fiddle but forgets to swim and . . . well, you get the idea, O Marco on the Hindquarters of a Rubio!

Minion Wannabe Bruce says we should just "let her country ass sink", but I am not sure that is the correct way to handle this, so I insist that we fish her out with the skimmer's net that is usually right near by. One time we were caught by the pool boy on duty at the mansion, a very nice young man named Esteban who struck up quite a conversation with Bruce, so much so that they are going to Puerto Vallarta this weekend, but that's another story . . . anyway, what should we do in the future, O Cruz Control of the Inner Rings?

Your Faithful Minion,

Illuminati

There has been a perimeter breach, O Nether Region of the Goddess Histrionica! Someone who claims to be named after the canine companion of a boy named Charles is intercepting our transmissions, and has tracked the Large-Jawed Woman to her current location. He is standing in the front yard screaming something about how she owes him "twenty bucks" for something. The Large-Jawed Woman is sitting under the kitchen table with her fingers in her ears. I have slipped under the sink, where I am having a calming cup of the Terran delicacy known as Drano. Sooooooooooo good, sir.

More on this story as it develops.

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati