There has been a perimeter breach, O Nether Region of the Goddess Histrionica! Someone who claims to be named after the canine companion of a boy named Charles is intercepting our transmissions, and has tracked the Large-Jawed Woman to her current location. He is standing in the front yard screaming something about how she owes him "twenty bucks" for something. The Large-Jawed Woman is sitting under the kitchen table with her fingers in her ears. I have slipped under the sink, where I am having a calming cup of the Terran delicacy known as Drano. Sooooooooooo good, sir.

More on this story as it develops.

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati