Boo.

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Where do I start, O Mighty Overlord? Where do I start???

And finally, proof that Minions exist and are among humankind!

However, I cannot get Minionwannbe Bruce to get out of his bubble bath. Any advice, O Liver Spot on the Fourth Hand of the Thetan Overlord?

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

It has been a crazy few days, O Big Rock Candy Mountain of Theta! The Large-Jawed Woman has been in a frenzy of activity, but this evening she has decided to relax.

So Minion Wannabe Bruce and I have seized our opportunity to relax!

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

Greetings, Your Ineptitude!

I am curled up in the Large-Jawed Woman's "handbag" (it is actually a bag made of brown paper that is handed out by the local conveyor of comestibles in order to facilitate carrying purchased items, but she has written the word PRADA on both sides of it and calls it her "handbag"). I am covered with bottles of her PBR nectar and several bags of Cheetos and something called "Ranch Flavored Doritos". These are the chief items in the Large-Jawed Woman's diet these days.

We are riding the bus along the busy Los Angeles streets. The Large-Jawed Woman seems lost in thought, staring out the rain-streaked windows to snap the occasional picture with her communications device. Well, perhaps the bus trip will do her some good. Anything is better than the desert cave to which we have retreated since the lighthouse debacle.

Minionwannabe Bruce is due in this weekend for a stopover. He and Esteban the Pool Boy have ended their relationship amidst a good deal of recrimination. I suppose it was only to be expected, as Bruce doesn't speak any Spanish, and Esteban is equally deficient in English, and eventually they ran out of things to do.

Your faithful Minion,

Illuminati

Greetings, O Sonny to the Elder Chers of Theta! There have been a number of developments about which I should humbly report, O Large Economy Size of the World of Costco! Minionwannabe Bruce and Esteban have returned from their extended stay in sunny Puerto Vallarta, where according to Bruce they made "sweet, sweet love" and drank many beverages that were served with tiny paper umbrellas. As Bruce knows, these are my favorite, so he saved the little parasols and brought them home for me. Delicious!

The Large-Jawed Woman has moved into a tall device near the sea. The device has a flashing light at the top, and the Large-Jawed Woman uses it at night to send signals out to the horizon. It is a code invented by a Terran named Morse, and can be used for primitive communication. For the first few nights she amused herself by broadcasting this over the night skies of Los Angeles:

All the while she would be humming under her breath, something like "nanananananananananananananananananana". This usually happened after consumption of the divine nectar known as Pabst Blue Ribbon. No one ever responded to the flying rodent symbol, although there were one or two issues that took place because the Large-Jawed Woman had removed the light from its proper target, the sea:

When this would happen, the Large-Jawed Woman would hide by disguising herself as a part of the local scenery:

After they left, we would go back into the house of light, and start beaming the light again. The Large-Jawed Woman kept beaming this out over the city, over and over:

I am not sure what it means, but the Large-Jawed Woman seemed fixated on these two letters. Do you have any ideas?

She is getting hungry, I think. There was a small kitchen in the house of light, but she used it to cook some of the "good stuff" again, and , well, you know how that goes. We're lucky the whole place didn't burn down! I have some left over parasols to sustain me. Meanwhile Minionwannabe Bruce and Esteban have left one a weekend run in his 18-Wheeler. Esteban is such a nice young Terran. He offered to accompany Bruce "just for the fun of it!"

And Bruce seems to be having a good time with him as well.

I'd better go awaken the Large-Jawed Woman. She fell asleep eating Cheetos again on the couch. Note to self: bring one of these back to the Mother Ship for testing. The Cheeto pellet itself is covered with orange dust that itself must be delectable, as the Large-Jawed Woman is continually licking it off her fingers. Of course, last night the Pabst nectar must have kicked in before she had the chance:

I'd better go find the dustbuster and get her started on the day, O Grand and Mighty Shovel.

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

It has been a long day, O Grand and Mighty Shovel. The Large-Jawed Woman got "gussied up", as she called it, and went out to "bag some guy".

Minionwannabe Bruce is still in sunny Puerto Vallarta, and Esteban's pool is developing a slightly greenish cast with a sheen of fungus (it's delicious, so I'm not complaining).

And now that she's gone, and Elderly Boyfriend has returned to his shop, I am alone at last.

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

Greetings, O Guardian of the Trumps of Vulgaris III!

The Large-Jawed Woman has been informed that she is no longer afflicted with ocular disease, and decided to celebrate by planning her marriage to either Vlad the Impaler (as she fondly calls him) or Donald Trump, the current contender to be Grand Shovel of this orb. Although he is currently mated to this female:

The Large-Jawed Woman has told the Elderly Boyfriend that it is only a matter of time before the Donald seeks another mate. Therefore she has scheduled what the Terrans refer to as plastic surgery tomorrow morning, in hopes of improving her chances to be chosen.

As you may remember, Your Portliness, when she has gone this route in the past the results have occasionally been . . . .
unfortunate.

Still, the Large-Jawed Woman has hopes, and so she went into an emporium called David's that sells bridal accoutrements. And purchased this:

Apparently she felt the need for a pet bed on the front. Oh, and by "purchased", of course she managed to get it on "credit". It is a very beautiful gown. When the Elderly Boy Friend saw it, he said she looked like nothing he had ever seen outside of Tijuana on a Saturday night.

And speaking of Mexico, Your Amplitude --- Minionwannabe Bruce and Esteban the Pool Boy have still not returned. And I keep getting pictures via text.

Esteban has won a contest! This is so unfair! I never get to go anywhere. I mean, other than Earth.

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati