And the tree is UP, O Tinsel of the Tannenbaum of Theta! The Large-Jawed Woman and the Elderly Boyfriend spent time shredding the tin foil on the inside of cigarette packages to decorate the tree.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Ho Ho Ho, O Gilded Implement of Snow Removal!
As I reported yesterday, the Large-Jawed Woman and the Boyfriend have been in a decorating mood. Of course, after consuming sufficient nectar to create the romantic candlelight mood, they passed out on the floor in front of the tree. But this morning they were up and at it, and covered the Boyfriend's truck. They just drove into town to "boost some more shit", whatever that Terrana colloquialism means, but I managed to snag this image for your records.
Your Faithful Minion,
Illuminati
As I reported yesterday, the Large-Jawed Woman and the Boyfriend have been in a decorating mood. Of course, after consuming sufficient nectar to create the romantic candlelight mood, they passed out on the floor in front of the tree. But this morning they were up and at it, and covered the Boyfriend's truck. They just drove into town to "boost some more shit", whatever that Terrana colloquialism means, but I managed to snag this image for your records.
Your Faithful Minion,
Illuminati
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Just a quick update, O Licorice Stick of the Candy Shelves of Theta! The Large-Jawed Woman has decided to "gussy up the place" for the impending Terran holiday that commemorates the natal day of their divinity. This morning she and the Boy Friend sped off in his vehicle.
This evening they returned with the bed of his truck piled high with boxes covered with sheets. After awhile I heard them inside, and I snuck over and looked under the sheets. The boxes are filled with brightly colored lights and decorations! I also found THIS!
They have set up what I believe is another Minion that they have killed and stuffed, O Grand Shovel! He sits frozen in eternal horror on a shelf, forced to witness THIS!
The Elderly Boyfriend was staggering around the room, having apparently joined the Large-Jawed Woman and her Boy Friend in drinking an inordinate amount of the delicious nectar they customarily consume upon occasions when there isn't enough Sudafed to make "the good stuff".
The room was lit with the romantic glow of candlelight from the centerpiece they had constructed (I should mention that the local Terran company has once again cut the supply of electricity to the domicile).
Minion Bruce has gone off into town for supplies, as I am out of styrofoam pellets and he is out of his favorite scent, Axe.
Your humble Minion,
Illuminati
This evening they returned with the bed of his truck piled high with boxes covered with sheets. After awhile I heard them inside, and I snuck over and looked under the sheets. The boxes are filled with brightly colored lights and decorations! I also found THIS!
They have set up what I believe is another Minion that they have killed and stuffed, O Grand Shovel! He sits frozen in eternal horror on a shelf, forced to witness THIS!
The Elderly Boyfriend was staggering around the room, having apparently joined the Large-Jawed Woman and her Boy Friend in drinking an inordinate amount of the delicious nectar they customarily consume upon occasions when there isn't enough Sudafed to make "the good stuff".
The room was lit with the romantic glow of candlelight from the centerpiece they had constructed (I should mention that the local Terran company has once again cut the supply of electricity to the domicile).
Minion Bruce has gone off into town for supplies, as I am out of styrofoam pellets and he is out of his favorite scent, Axe.
Your humble Minion,
Illuminati
Friday, November 27, 2015
Greetings, O Leftover Stuffing and Tater Tots of the Gods of Theta! It is I, your sated Minion!
Yesterday the Terrans celebrated the feast in which they ritually give thanks to the elder gods of this planet. The Large-Jawed Woman began the day with resolutions to recreate the feasts of her childhood, by looking at pictures she possessed of her happy family gatherings.
The Large-Jawed Woman allowed herself the luxury of looking at only this picture before she was overwhelmed with sadness and then anger, as she realized how many of the people in the picture had actually testified against her in court. A few delicious nectars later, she smashed an empty PBR against her forehead, and bustled around assembling the ingredients for the feast.
It did not take long before she realized that she did not, in fact, possess any of the traditional ingredients. Things got a little testy with the current Boy Friend and the Elderly Boy Friend once it became clear that there was no turkey, no stuffing, and indeed no more PBRs.
It then became necessary to track down a local dispensary of comestibles for those who possess no shelter, where the Large-Jawed Woman was finally able to celebrate the Holiday of Thanks. Although, as you can see, Your Flatulence, she did not appear particularly thankful.
After the meal was consumed, the entire household piled into the truck and sped off for a little shoplifting at the local Walmart, or as Minion Wannabe Bruce refers to it, Redneck Tiffany. I was able to snap this picture from the shopping cart.
The Large-Jawed Woman was pleased to discover that while she shopped for fripperies, the Boy Friend was able to lam out with an entire grill! And two steaks that he managed to hide up the Elderly Boy Friend's bleergat! The only thing he forgot to smuggle out of the Walmart was natural gas to fire up the grill properly when they returned to the base camp, but ingenious Terran that he is, he managed to figure that out!
All in all, I think that the Large-Jawed Woman enjoyed a lovely festival. And I was able to consume the pellets that had wrapped the grill, so I too gave thanks!
Your obedient minion,
Illuminati
Yesterday the Terrans celebrated the feast in which they ritually give thanks to the elder gods of this planet. The Large-Jawed Woman began the day with resolutions to recreate the feasts of her childhood, by looking at pictures she possessed of her happy family gatherings.
The Large-Jawed Woman allowed herself the luxury of looking at only this picture before she was overwhelmed with sadness and then anger, as she realized how many of the people in the picture had actually testified against her in court. A few delicious nectars later, she smashed an empty PBR against her forehead, and bustled around assembling the ingredients for the feast.
It did not take long before she realized that she did not, in fact, possess any of the traditional ingredients. Things got a little testy with the current Boy Friend and the Elderly Boy Friend once it became clear that there was no turkey, no stuffing, and indeed no more PBRs.
It then became necessary to track down a local dispensary of comestibles for those who possess no shelter, where the Large-Jawed Woman was finally able to celebrate the Holiday of Thanks. Although, as you can see, Your Flatulence, she did not appear particularly thankful.
After the meal was consumed, the entire household piled into the truck and sped off for a little shoplifting at the local Walmart, or as Minion Wannabe Bruce refers to it, Redneck Tiffany. I was able to snap this picture from the shopping cart.
The Large-Jawed Woman was pleased to discover that while she shopped for fripperies, the Boy Friend was able to lam out with an entire grill! And two steaks that he managed to hide up the Elderly Boy Friend's bleergat! The only thing he forgot to smuggle out of the Walmart was natural gas to fire up the grill properly when they returned to the base camp, but ingenious Terran that he is, he managed to figure that out!
All in all, I think that the Large-Jawed Woman enjoyed a lovely festival. And I was able to consume the pellets that had wrapped the grill, so I too gave thanks!
Your obedient minion,
Illuminati
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Greetings, O Slightly Off Center Schmatta on the Head of the Overlord of Theta! As you may remember from previous transmissions, the Large-Jawed Woman has an unhealthy fixation with world leaders here on this planet. In her early years, long long ago before her reproductive organs withered, she attached herself to royalty whenever she could --- you may remember our first encounter, when the Large-Jawed Woman had the unfortunate encounter with the Terran Queen and the Lobsters. In recent years she has been courting the man known as Putin, or "Vlad the Impaler" as the Large-Jawed Woman refers to him in her frequent emails. I had checked the data banks, and at first I have thought she was referring to him by this title in reference to a Transylvanian nobleman who affixed his enemies with spears, but it turns out that she uses the word "Impaler" in a different sense. For years she has bombarded Vlad the Impaler with protestations of love and a willingness too be of service. Any kind of service. To my surprise, Vlad has now begun to respond.
At first, it was difficult to understand what the Fearless Leader could desire from the Large-Jawed Woman.
However, she was very excited as these transmissions began to arrive. I believe her actual expression to the Elderly Boyfriend was "Mama done spiked the football this time!!!"
Her spirits were dimmed slightly when he finally made it clear where this was going.
Also, I was under the impression that cooked coyote fell into the category of "meat". Is this not so? Minion Wannabe Bruce says we are going to have to get a frozen pizza for the Terran holiday. That is fine with me, although I will have to persuade him yet again that cooking them ruins the flavor!
Your faithful minion,
Illuminati
At first, it was difficult to understand what the Fearless Leader could desire from the Large-Jawed Woman.
However, she was very excited as these transmissions began to arrive. I believe her actual expression to the Elderly Boyfriend was "Mama done spiked the football this time!!!"
Her spirits were dimmed slightly when he finally made it clear where this was going.
Also, I was under the impression that cooked coyote fell into the category of "meat". Is this not so? Minion Wannabe Bruce says we are going to have to get a frozen pizza for the Terran holiday. That is fine with me, although I will have to persuade him yet again that cooking them ruins the flavor!
Your faithful minion,
Illuminati
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Please excuse the recent transmission, O Grand and Mighty Shovel. The transmitter was seized by Minion Wannabe Bruce, who was listening to the Large Jawed Woman rant and just went "oh, snaaaaaaaaaaap", whatever that means.
Meanwhile the Large-Jawed Woman continues to occupy her time with her cellular communication device, sending her greetings and what passes for her thoughts to the world at large. Every once in awhile the Boy Friend will bring her the heavenly delight of something called a PBR, usually in response to a plaintive cry "Mama's thirsty, baby boy!" Occasionally the Large-Jawed Woman will intently read something on her cellular device and become angry. Usually this means an outbreak of typing communications. If it goes on for too long (in the judgement of the Boy Friend), he will drag the garden hose through the window and hose her down. That usually stops it.
I understand through the blergat-vine that Minion Bronson is hosting a get-together this weekend at his place, and was wondering if I might take a night off to attend?
Your faithful minion,
Illuminati
Meanwhile the Large-Jawed Woman continues to occupy her time with her cellular communication device, sending her greetings and what passes for her thoughts to the world at large. Every once in awhile the Boy Friend will bring her the heavenly delight of something called a PBR, usually in response to a plaintive cry "Mama's thirsty, baby boy!" Occasionally the Large-Jawed Woman will intently read something on her cellular device and become angry. Usually this means an outbreak of typing communications. If it goes on for too long (in the judgement of the Boy Friend), he will drag the garden hose through the window and hose her down. That usually stops it.
I understand through the blergat-vine that Minion Bronson is hosting a get-together this weekend at his place, and was wondering if I might take a night off to attend?
Your faithful minion,
Illuminati
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