O Mighty Carbuncle on the Hind Quarters of Zazu Pitts! Someone has been filing false reports to the Home Planet using my name! I hope you know, O Mighty and Grand Implement of Dirt Removal, that would never, ever refer to Your Flatulence as "cheap white Christmas trailer-park trash"! It wasn't me! Please save the transmission signature. When I called Theta home about this, I made the Assistant Secretary for Minions read them to me, and I can assure you, they did not originate with your faithful minion. No, sirree, Elak 5!

O Mighty Shovel!!!! It is I, your most unworthy minion. Your Rotundity, it may be time to switch to Emergency Plan Alpha Tango Foxtrot Samba Rhumba. The large-jawed woman has discovered the secret connection to Minion T--- Crui--e!!!! Perhaps it is time to beam him up to the Mothership for his own protection!!! Excellent work, Your Niftiness, with the placing of Minion Paul Ryan into the Romney campaign. The Mormons are so alien themselves that Minion Paul will never be detected as one, even though you would have to be Helen Keller to look at his face and not think "otherworldly". Our secret plan to take over this miserable mudball is in full swing! Returning to my observation post, which is actually in the back of Bruce's truck. I know, but you haven't exactly been sending me the quadloosI need to rent an actual apartment, Your Minginess, so I have to take advantage of the fact that Bruce is trying to take advantage of me. Oops, here he comes! More later! Your faithful minion, Illuminati