And finally, proof that Minions exist and are among humankind!

However, I cannot get Minionwannbe Bruce to get out of his bubble bath. Any advice, O Liver Spot on the Fourth Hand of the Thetan Overlord?

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

It has been a crazy few days, O Big Rock Candy Mountain of Theta! The Large-Jawed Woman has been in a frenzy of activity, but this evening she has decided to relax.

So Minion Wannabe Bruce and I have seized our opportunity to relax!

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

Greetings, Your Ineptitude!

I am curled up in the Large-Jawed Woman's "handbag" (it is actually a bag made of brown paper that is handed out by the local conveyor of comestibles in order to facilitate carrying purchased items, but she has written the word PRADA on both sides of it and calls it her "handbag"). I am covered with bottles of her PBR nectar and several bags of Cheetos and something called "Ranch Flavored Doritos". These are the chief items in the Large-Jawed Woman's diet these days.

We are riding the bus along the busy Los Angeles streets. The Large-Jawed Woman seems lost in thought, staring out the rain-streaked windows to snap the occasional picture with her communications device. Well, perhaps the bus trip will do her some good. Anything is better than the desert cave to which we have retreated since the lighthouse debacle.

Minionwannabe Bruce is due in this weekend for a stopover. He and Esteban the Pool Boy have ended their relationship amidst a good deal of recrimination. I suppose it was only to be expected, as Bruce doesn't speak any Spanish, and Esteban is equally deficient in English, and eventually they ran out of things to do.

Your faithful Minion,

Illuminati

Greetings, O Sonny to the Elder Chers of Theta! There have been a number of developments about which I should humbly report, O Large Economy Size of the World of Costco! Minionwannabe Bruce and Esteban have returned from their extended stay in sunny Puerto Vallarta, where according to Bruce they made "sweet, sweet love" and drank many beverages that were served with tiny paper umbrellas. As Bruce knows, these are my favorite, so he saved the little parasols and brought them home for me. Delicious!

The Large-Jawed Woman has moved into a tall device near the sea. The device has a flashing light at the top, and the Large-Jawed Woman uses it at night to send signals out to the horizon. It is a code invented by a Terran named Morse, and can be used for primitive communication. For the first few nights she amused herself by broadcasting this over the night skies of Los Angeles:

All the while she would be humming under her breath, something like "nanananananananananananananananananana". This usually happened after consumption of the divine nectar known as Pabst Blue Ribbon. No one ever responded to the flying rodent symbol, although there were one or two issues that took place because the Large-Jawed Woman had removed the light from its proper target, the sea:

When this would happen, the Large-Jawed Woman would hide by disguising herself as a part of the local scenery:

After they left, we would go back into the house of light, and start beaming the light again. The Large-Jawed Woman kept beaming this out over the city, over and over:

I am not sure what it means, but the Large-Jawed Woman seemed fixated on these two letters. Do you have any ideas?

She is getting hungry, I think. There was a small kitchen in the house of light, but she used it to cook some of the "good stuff" again, and , well, you know how that goes. We're lucky the whole place didn't burn down! I have some left over parasols to sustain me. Meanwhile Minionwannabe Bruce and Esteban have left one a weekend run in his 18-Wheeler. Esteban is such a nice young Terran. He offered to accompany Bruce "just for the fun of it!"

And Bruce seems to be having a good time with him as well.

I'd better go awaken the Large-Jawed Woman. She fell asleep eating Cheetos again on the couch. Note to self: bring one of these back to the Mother Ship for testing. The Cheeto pellet itself is covered with orange dust that itself must be delectable, as the Large-Jawed Woman is continually licking it off her fingers. Of course, last night the Pabst nectar must have kicked in before she had the chance:

I'd better go find the dustbuster and get her started on the day, O Grand and Mighty Shovel.

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

It has been a long day, O Grand and Mighty Shovel. The Large-Jawed Woman got "gussied up", as she called it, and went out to "bag some guy".

Minionwannabe Bruce is still in sunny Puerto Vallarta, and Esteban's pool is developing a slightly greenish cast with a sheen of fungus (it's delicious, so I'm not complaining).

And now that she's gone, and Elderly Boyfriend has returned to his shop, I am alone at last.

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

Greetings, O Guardian of the Trumps of Vulgaris III!

The Large-Jawed Woman has been informed that she is no longer afflicted with ocular disease, and decided to celebrate by planning her marriage to either Vlad the Impaler (as she fondly calls him) or Donald Trump, the current contender to be Grand Shovel of this orb. Although he is currently mated to this female:

The Large-Jawed Woman has told the Elderly Boyfriend that it is only a matter of time before the Donald seeks another mate. Therefore she has scheduled what the Terrans refer to as plastic surgery tomorrow morning, in hopes of improving her chances to be chosen.

As you may remember, Your Portliness, when she has gone this route in the past the results have occasionally been . . . .
unfortunate.

Still, the Large-Jawed Woman has hopes, and so she went into an emporium called David's that sells bridal accoutrements. And purchased this:

Apparently she felt the need for a pet bed on the front. Oh, and by "purchased", of course she managed to get it on "credit". It is a very beautiful gown. When the Elderly Boy Friend saw it, he said she looked like nothing he had ever seen outside of Tijuana on a Saturday night.

And speaking of Mexico, Your Amplitude --- Minionwannabe Bruce and Esteban the Pool Boy have still not returned. And I keep getting pictures via text.

Esteban has won a contest! This is so unfair! I never get to go anywhere. I mean, other than Earth.

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

O Mighty Flip-Phone of the Gods of Verizon III,

She's at it again, and I don't have Minion Wannabe Bruce to help me!

This time she sealed up all the windows in a house she broke into knocked on the door to, and when it accidentally opened and no one was home, the Large-Jawed Woman disabled the alarm system really quickly, like she'd done it before, and then she sealed up all the windows and ran the garden hose into the room.

Meanwhile, Bruce and Esteban the Pool Boy:

That's Bruce in the middle, anyway, they've left for Puerto Vallarta. I found this on the floor of Minion Wannabe Bruce's 18-wheeler cab:

And then they sent me this in human text form:

And I don't think it's really fair, O Mighty Shovel, that he gets to have all of the fun and I am stuck draining the room or the pool so the Large-Jawed Woman doesn't drown! And then when I get her out (I came up with a clever idea, O Miniature Pony of the Divine Lippinzanners of Equus II, I just bait a hook with cheesecake and throw it into the water. It works every time!), the Large-Jawed Woman just sits and I can tell she is thinking of doing it again!

There goes the cell phone again!

This is so unfair!

Your Faithful Minion,

Illuminati

Greetings, O Rump of Donald Trump!

So this keeps happening! The Large-Jawed Woman keeps finding random pools with the gates left open, grabs a violin and jumps in, screaming something about how "if a Terran named fucking Esther Williams could have a damn career in movie musicals so can she!!" and then she starts to fiddle but forgets to swim and . . . well, you get the idea, O Marco on the Hindquarters of a Rubio!

Minion Wannabe Bruce says we should just "let her country ass sink", but I am not sure that is the correct way to handle this, so I insist that we fish her out with the skimmer's net that is usually right near by. One time we were caught by the pool boy on duty at the mansion, a very nice young man named Esteban who struck up quite a conversation with Bruce, so much so that they are going to Puerto Vallarta this weekend, but that's another story . . . anyway, what should we do in the future, O Cruz Control of the Inner Rings?

Your Faithful Minion,

Illuminati

There has been a perimeter breach, O Nether Region of the Goddess Histrionica! Someone who claims to be named after the canine companion of a boy named Charles is intercepting our transmissions, and has tracked the Large-Jawed Woman to her current location. He is standing in the front yard screaming something about how she owes him "twenty bucks" for something. The Large-Jawed Woman is sitting under the kitchen table with her fingers in her ears. I have slipped under the sink, where I am having a calming cup of the Terran delicacy known as Drano. Sooooooooooo good, sir.

More on this story as it develops.

Your faithful minion,

Illuminati

Something is happening to the Large-Jawed Woman, O Cross Fit Trainer to the Elder Gods! She has received some news from the Terran Californian legal system, and is not pleased.

Minion Bruce keeps scampering around shrieking "Thar she blows! Thar she blows!"

Requesting immediate extraction, I am

Your faithful Minion,

Also, not sure about where this is from, Your Immensity, but this beamed in from somewhere.

The Large-Jawed Woman has lost it, O Anteater of the Sacred Insects of the Outer Rings! There has been a shift in her personal relationship status that has truly startled Minion Wannabe Bruce, who said, and I quote, O Grand Shovel:

"Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl, you in trouble now!"

The Boy Friend has taken his truck and left for parts unknown, leaving the Large-Jawed Woman to her own devices. He apparently clawed his way out from under her (see previous post, Your Magnitude) and has taken up residence in another part of the area. This leaves the Large-Jawed Woman with only the Elderly One, and that is apparently not enough. She rages, and carries on about her supposed abusers, taunting their legal representative and daring him to prove that she has maligned anyone.

Minion Bruce and I respectfully request to be relieved from our duties here at the Base Camp.

Your faithful, but increasingly worried, minion ---

Illuminati

There is a rumor that the Boy Friend has escaped the clutches of the Large-Jawed Woman, O Ring-Ding of the Pantry Shelves of Theta! This is not true!

He cannot move. At all.

Your faithful Minion,

Illuminati