Saturday, January 11, 2014

It's been a long hard slog, Your Immensity! Since last we communed, the Large-Jawed Woman has undergone a number of incredible encounters, and frankly, Your Girth, there hasn't been time to report since we've been managing to stay one step ahead of law enforcement and the Terran judicial system. For the moment, she is convinced that she has eluded detection through the ruse of telling all that her maternal unit is deteriorating. This would be the maternal unit who severed all ties with the Large-Jawed Woman after the Curious Incident of the Lime-Green Gremlin some years ago that resulted in the deaths of all those cats. You will not be surprised to learn that the Large-Jawed Woman has returned to her practice of slaughtering felines, with the occasional canine or equine thrown in for interest. There was what the human law enforcement officials refer to as a "raid" a few weeks ago that resulted in yet another confiscation of animals from her overlordship. This always makes things a little more difficult for me, O Beauty Mark of the Gods, since I tend to blend it fairly well with a mewling group of four-footed species, and I don't have to pretend to be some kind of crystal meth-fueled hallucination. However, there is still ample evidence that the species were here. There are literally ignaks of fecal material all over the floor, as the men in the HAZMAT suits only removed as much as they needed to in order to remove the suffering felines. I think the Large-Jawed Woman now thinks I am a talking pile of urhploop. She is spending a lot of time planning her lawsuit against animal control officers when she isn't in the kitchen firing up a mess of the "good stuff". Well, that and cursing a lot about a conspiracy of happy male humans that are conspiring against her. Her current male companion usually just says "shut the fuck up, bitch" when the decibel level becomes uncomfortable, but the Large-Jawed Woman just pays him no mind. I don't mean to complain, but I think that I have been on this assignment long enough? Is there no other minion who can be sentenced assigned to the Large-Jawed Woman?